In Goa, India’s smallest and most ecologically sensitive state, there is no species as totally and wholeheartedly committed to extinguishing itself as the Mopeda Scooteri (genus: twowheeleria).

They are unique to this part of the country and are commonly called by various names in various languages, none of which have polite translations. Scooteri are everywhere, darting this way and that, often straight into the path of oncoming traffic and self-extinction, yet surviving only by the grace of those two guardian angels of the foolhardy: Mr Chance and Madame Luck.

Despite their overwhelming death wish and despite losing a frighteningly large number of their ilk every year, Scooteri surprisingly thrive, stay alive, mate, and procreate. Survivors even evolve to become another genus altogether—Vehicularis Fourwheeleria—while retaining the genome that makes auto-termination irresistibly attractive. These free-spirited wanderers consider all forms of tarred and untarred terrain, including footpaths, perfectly legal pathways to their destination. En route, road signs must be ignored; headlights must only be set to either cause temporary or permanent blindness, other motorists must be “outsiders,” and indicators… well, indicators are not a must.

The Mopeda Scooteri (singular: Scooterus) are a miracle of motion governed by six unshakeable principles:

1. If a car is attempting to reverse for any reason, the Scooterus must quickly pass behind it.

2. If any car is signalling to turn, it must be overtaken from the exact side indicated by the car.

3. If a car or any vehicle wishes to emerge from an adjoining lane onto a main road, sudden acceleration must be employed to ensure the car is prevented from doing so.

4. If a Scooterus, on the other hand, is emerging from a lane onto a main road, then it must do so without looking in any direction, at great speed, and at a 45-degree angle to the road.

5. Any empty spot can be claimed as a parking spot, especially behind or in front of parked cars in tight spaces (preferably both) with handles locked for safety.

6. There is no such thing as a fast lane or a slow one. All lanes are equal opportunity lanes for Scooteri.

As with most species on the planet, females (Femina Scooteri) are considered deadlier. Identified by their distinctive Japanese ninja-inspired face wraps and sun-battling winter hoodies, they reveal only their eyes and none of their intentions. Unwilling ("Awwvois! So dirty rey baba!") or unable ("Genetic makeup rey") to plant their feet on the tarmac post-braking, the Femina Scooteri overcomes such trivial inconveniences by attempting to stay in perpetual motion—swerving and weaving while balancing two or more offspring and trying to squeeze into nonexistent gaps.

This essential act is deemed necessary so that Scooteri can emerge at the very head of whichever traffic jam they are stuck in, akin to tigresses at a watering hole. True victory, however, is only considered if participating Scooteri also collect souvenirs to commemorate their heroic struggle, including but not limited to flakes of paint from car bumpers, fragments of tail lights, the odd side-view mirror, even an unlucky elbow.

Retaining all these characteristics and quirks, but more dangerous to themselves than other life forms are the Scooteri’s closest cousins, Machinus Motorcyclii.

Almost 100 per cent male and severely allergic to safety, these speed warriors stop for nothing. If, on a rare occasion, a Motorcyclix has actually halted at a red light, it would be correct to assume that they have recently moved from Bengaluru. For native species, such colourful electronic impediments are ego-challenging triggers that need to be mercilessly crushed by one illegal left turn and two death-defying rights.

Since most Motorcyclii are manually geared, as compared to the throttle-happy Scooteri, fellow motorists and pedestrians are assured a bonus split-second to evade hospitalisation expenses. Every day, sometimes more than once, a Motorcyclix must participate in an ancient ritual called "Challanis Avoidis" in North Goa and "Poolis Hiddenboi" in some parts of the South.

Performed exclusively without a helmet, with a pillion rider optional, it is a daring, breathtakingly skilful manoeuvre meant to induce cardiac arrest in occupants of any vehicle directly behind the performing artiste.

To successfully execute an Avoidis, each Motorcyclix must come to a sudden screeching halt, stare down the pair of traffic constables lying in wait behind a tree, spin 180 degrees, and vanish in the opposite direction before the junior officer can unholster his ticket machine.

However, this is just stage one of Avoidis. It must be followed up by flashing of headlights as warning to all oncoming brother Motorcyclii of what lies in wait for them—similar to langoors warning the jungle of a prowling predator. Subsequently, and subject to free Wi-Fi access, Google Maps must be pinned with the comment "Hanga Police Asta" or "Hanga Police Ravta" (Here Police lie in wait). Only then is the ritual complete.

Other death-defying skills possessed by this fleet-winged flock include making a phone call (beginner), scrolling through Insta reels (intermediate), commenting on Insta reels (advanced), making an Insta reel (expert), editing the Insta reel (pro), and binge-watching Netflix (legend). Bear in mind that this must be achieved one-handedly and in fourth gear to qualify as a true-blooded Motorcyclix.

The Motorcyclii live a short, exciting life, rarely reaching maturity. Those who survive youth go on to become Motorcyclix Taxis at Mapusa, Panjim and Margao markets. This is the actual origin of that ancient Goan adage: "There are old pilots and bold pilots. But there are no old, bold pilots." Last but not least is the newly evolved species, Bykuz Electrikuz. These are a quieter, meeker mutation of the twowheeleria, avoiding any interaction with anything stronger or heavier than them. Bykuz are capable of nothing more injurious than mildly startling pedestrians. It is a nervous breed, constantly pondering complex calculations of time, distance, power, and energy, and never finding the right answer. It is never sure how long it can stay away from its nest and doesn’t venture too far.

Motorists, pedestrians, tourists, reluctant drivers such as the author, and especially anyone unfamiliar with the behaviour of the creatures listed here, should memorise the following safety instructions while out wandering about in the great Goan open: Keep your eyes peeled, senses alert, check left, then right, behind, left and right again.

Then look upwards, just in case.

Elvis Sequeira is an adman and wannabe god-man. He lives in Goa