Grumpy Traveller Idolatory for idiots

Enough with the aarti plate. Much as I like to honour my inner goddess, I really prefer to keep that secret identity under wraps, you know. And much as I appreciate the Indian hospitality ethos, this literal interpretation of &lsquoatithi devo bhavah&rsquo is starting to grate on my luminiscence.

I promise you, there is something very satisfactory to be said for a discreet and quick check-in when you arrive after a long flight or train ride and just want a shower, cuppa, Do Not Disturb sign and the snooze button. That goes with knobs on for the introverts among us, who quail and feel most unwelcome at the sign of a trio of mantra-chanting, silver salver-bearing, sharara-sashaying ladies converging on us with intent to vermillion and garland and make a sorry murti of us.

Especially given our native superstitions that immediately translate the marigold necklace into marital ball-and-chain &mdash surely, surely, the excess of effulgence (read Eastern exoticism of an Orientalist persuasion) can be reserved for those with passports of other nationalities and none of the cultural baggage that us brown sahibs and sahibas are heir to A handshake and a discreet intimation of the room number will do us just fine, thanks.

Better still &mdash again, in cognizance of the introvert in me &mdash grant me the pleasure of inviolate personal space, so rare in this country, and keep the welcome hand-free, with the traditional namaste executed elegantly at arm&rsquos length and with the dignity of enlightened equals. After all, the warmest greeting may well be the least obsequious. There is a suggestion of slavish ingratiation about the whole rooli-and-diya tamasha that merely serves to underscore that I am paying for that warm welcome &mdash it just isn&rsquot the way two polite strangers meet and greet, meaning I am made uncomfortably aware of the artificiality of the interaction. Not the most hospitable idea, eh

As for the goddess within, she far prefers a prasadam of chocolate truffles on her pillow &mdash again, discreetly placed &mdash or a hot chocolate moustache she needn&rsquot worry about washing off her silk kurti or white corporate collar.